Harry Potter Shorties
by David305
Summary: Just a few very short, often funny HP vignettes, starring your favorite gang. NEW 13/04: Harry and Mrs. Horntail
1. A Window on a Train

**HP Shorties**

* * *

The caller threw a pinch of floo powder into the fireplace and said, "Harry Potter."

A disconnected voice announced, "We are sorry, but the fireplace you have called is either out of order, or not in service at this time. Please check the name of the fireplace you wish to call, and try your call again later; or stay in the fire, and an operator will answer."

The caller continued leaning in the fireplace, humming "That Old Black Magic."

After about thirty seconds, the face of a young woman in a witch's robe appeared. She looked at the caller, screamed and fainted. There were other young women on either side, tending their own fireplaces; they covered their mouths in shock.

Lord Voldemort looked around the floo operators' room, grinning evilly, and said, "Oh well, it was worth a try," and broke the connection.

* * *

"Hermione, what does 'pedantic' mean?"

"HONESTLY, Ron, if you would only _READ,_ you would know that pedantic means speaking to others in an exaggeratedly preachy-teachy manner, as if they were children or morons!

"Oh —" her face fell — " dear me - I'm not really a pedant, am I?" she asked, red-faced.

"Two points to Gryffindor," muttered Professor Snape, swooping past like a bat.

* * *

Harry Potter and his friends were enjoying their last trip home on the Hogwarts Express. They chatted excitedly about their summer plans; Harry, now 18, would be staying at Grimmauld Place with Remus.

The teens were just digging into their Cauldron Cakes (purchased from the witch who ran the sweets trolley) when they heard a scream from the hallway outside their compartment. In a flash, Harry had his wand in his hand.

CRASH! The large window in the door to their compartment smashed to the floor, and the ugly, sinister face of Lord Voldemort peered into the compartment. With an evil, lipless grin, the Dark Lord said, "So, Potter! We meet again at last!"

Without thinking, Harry waved his wand and said, "Reparo." The glass jumped from the floor back into its frame, where Voldemort's head was still sticking through. Within a second, the shards of glass had impaled Voldemort through the neck and head. His carotid artery and windpipe were severed. With a look of profound shock, the evil genius lost consciousness, and breathed his last.

The Boy-Who-Lived had defeated the most evil Dark Lord in a century, with a simple glass repairing charm.

* * *

Hermione Granger had gone in for specialized training in Charms, Arithmancy and Transfiguration after Hogwarts. One day, an innocent conversation with Harry Potter changed her life. "You know," he said, "much as I like owls, it's close to unbelievable how archaic the owl post system is. I'll bet that before 1850, wizards enjoyed superior communications to muggles; but ever since, starting with the modern postal service, the muggles have just surged ahead, one innovation after another, while wizarding communications have just stood still. Why, I'd use phones and e-mail in a heartbeat — if anyone I cared about could receive the calls and messages."

Hermione was stunned. She knew that only Harry could have realized and identified the problem that clearly; but he could not effectively execute a solution. Ah, but she could.

She approached the problem from several angles. Gradually, by the time she was 20, she had enough experience in innovative spell creation to try her first stab at a solution. She devised the Transmittere charm: a wizard had only to lift his wand, say "Scribo lumine," then write his message in light, as though in the air. Once finished, he had only to flick his wand circularly, say "Transmitto Harry Potter" or whichever name, and the light-message would fold itself up into a beam of light, dash out the window, seek out the recipient, and unfold itself before their eyes.

As brilliant and quick as this form of messaging was, it had one serious flaw: it could not be hidden from muggles. As slow as owl post was, owls did have their own intelligence, and knew not to deliver mail when muggles were around. But Transmissions sought out their recipients blindly. Many witches and wizards had to become quite adept at memory charms — but that was no good amidst street crowds, and underage wizards couldn't do them at all. The obliviators were kept constantly busy. Soon the ministry was threatening to crack down, and forbid the charm altogether.

And so Hermione brainstormed with Harry again. "What you need," he said, "is a permission-based system — so the recipient can accept or refuse the message. Also, since the light message is not permanent, there is still a need for owl post. Can't you do something like they have in the ministry, where messages fly around like little paper airplanes?"

Again, Hermione was inspired. After some research and development, she revised the spell, now calling out "Transmitto Harry Potter si licet" (for "if it is allowed"). A light would pause before the recipient, awaiting the word "Licet." But if the word didn't come, the light would eventually fade, and the message would be lost.

She experimented with a paper-based charm: the recipient could hold up a piece of parchment and say "Transcribus licet," and the message would be copied onto the paper, which could then be pocketed. The advantage here was that the flash of light was no brighter than a cigarette lighter, and so was much stealthier in the proximity of muggles; the disadvantage was that recipients were obliged to carry parchments with them, and when they ran out, it was much like a muggle fax machine that had run out of paper. (Not to mention the irritation of receiving an unwanted advertisement, and having had to pay for the paper to print it on!) Still, this was such an improvement, that the new system threatened to drastically reduce the owl business, much as e-mails and fax machines in the muggle world had severely shrunk the bicycle messenger business in many cities.

Hermione also followed up on Harry's notion of the paper airplanes. They could be banished to the recipient, and even a temporary portkey charm used to get them there — but they could also be blown away at the recipient's site, or rained into rags — something a conscientious post owl would never have let happen.

Hermione, Harry and Ron were chatting about her difficulty one day while visiting Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes. "Too bad," Harry said, "you can't make a charmed cell phone, that would work away from those towers and without a battery."

"Why can't you?" said Ron.

"What's a cell phone?" asked Fred.

And that is how the Weasley family went from being one of the poorest in the Wizarding world, to being the richest. (And their partners, Hermione Granger and Harry Potter, nearly so.)

_fin_


	2. Vernon Meets the Board

**_Vernon Meets the Board_**__

Vernon Dursley was wearing his most imposing navy blue suit, and his most powerful red power tie. He knew that "there is never a second chance to make a first impression," and it was important for him to establish and command respect from the very start. Today was the day the owners of Grunnings' holding company had decided to visit.

The secretary (a thin man named Hodgkins) came out, and told him, "They're just conferring, but it won't be long; please, have a seat." Vernon wasn't used to being kept waiting, especially within the premises of a business he had run for ten years. But he sat anyway, although his neck turned a light shade of purple.

After another five minutes, a young woman with brown hair came out and said, "Please, follow me." Vernon rose with a grunt, and trudged in, plastering his most imposing and imperial look onto his puss.

The board room was not as he remembered it. It seemed larger, somehow; its table more grand, the chandelier more massive and gleaming, the party of five at the far end seemed more remote. Vernon walked toward the small group with his best gait of authority, and smiled his most successful smile, until his eyes focused on them, and he turned beet red.

"You!!" he gasped. "What do you think you're playing at, Boy?"

Harry Potter rose quietly and smiled gently toward Vernon. "Good morning, Uncle Vernon. Do have a seat."

Vernon did not have a seat. "I demand to know why you are here!" he roared.

"I am the chief investor, and these are the Board, of MWPP Group Ltd., which my parents and their friends created, and left to me in trust. Grunnings is merely one of - " he turned, raising an eyebrow to the brown-haired woman, who held up a piece of paper "- 87 companies that the Group controls. Now that I have reached my majority, I have assumed control of the Group. My associates here have asked me to attend, though I usually leave all this up to them," he said with a wave of his hand.

"What kind of joke is this?" demanded Vernon.

"Oh, I assure you, Mr. Dursley, this is no joke," said Remus Lupin coolly. Harry is definitely the majority stockholder of the Group - about 90 per cent, isn't that right, Hermione?" The brown-haired woman nodded. "And while the Group controls 87 companies and numerous properties in both the muggle and magical worlds, that still only represents about 10 per cent of Harry's wealth. And after Harry's recent defeat of Voldemort and Malfoy, and the forfeiture of their fortunes, that is about to grow another 30 per cent. So it was felt that this was an ideal time to examine all the investments and holdings, and weed out the ones that weren't producing."

Vernon turned paler than Harry had ever seen him. He finally took the cue, and took a seat with an audible thud, blinking repeatedly. "What does this mean for Grunnings?" he said to Lupin, ignoring Harry.

"I think our chief of security ought to provide that data," Harry said, and raised his wand. A spark of white light flew out through the door. The door opened, and a scarred man with a peg-leg and bowler hat walked in.

"You!" Vernon said with alarm.

"Me," Mad-Eye Moody replied. Harry and Hermione grinned at each other; it reminded them of a very similar conversation from their fourth year at school.

"Thanks for coming, Mad-Eye," said Harry. "Would you mind telling Mr. Dursley what you've discovered?"

"Right," said Mad-Eye with relish. "We've learned that Dumbledore set you up in this business with the proviso that you care for Harry. We didn't know till he was in school that you worked him like a house-elf - that's a kind of magical slave, Dursley - and by then it was crucial that the magical protections on the house remain, so we had to put off this particular moment." Vernon's eyes were popping by now, and his brow was coated with sweat.

"We also learned that you had developed a rather - shall we say, expensive gambling habit?" Mad-Eye continued with a growl. "The profitability of this company has declined yearly, in inverse proportion to the frequency of your visits to your bookie, in Great Whinging."

Vernon now looked worried. "I can explain!" he wailed lamely.

Harry merely smiled, while Hermione, Remus and Percy took on a serious and angry look. Ron, though, looked disappointed. "You owe me two sickles, Ron!" Harry mused. Didn't I predict the exact words?"

"Yeh," said Ron, smiling as he put two silver sickles on the table, "but it's not really fair; you also passed your Divination OWL with an O!"

"Mr. Dursley," Percy piped up for the first time, "I serve as chief comptroller for the MWPP group. The evidence is overwhelming and incontrovertible. Magical eyes - much like your miniature cameras and bugs - have been observing and recording your habits for three years. You have embezzled over 600,000 Pounds. You have a choice. You may stay here, try to fight for your job, and be almost certainly sent to wizarding prison." Vernon gulped audibly. "Or - you may emigrate to New Zealand, with your wife and son, and run for us ..." Hermione pushed another piece of paper under his nose "... a flobberworm sanctuary and petting zoo on the South Island."

"There is a third option," Ron said, "You can spend a year as a test subject for the Twins' products."

Vernon was quickly recalling who the twins were, and he gulped audibly again. "Just where on the South Island is this -"

"Flobberworm Sanctuary and Petting Zoo," the six wizards all said together with a grin.

"About 50 miles south of Dunedin, on the southeast coast, near Kaitangata," said Ron with an especially evil grin.

"And ... how long do I have to pack?" Vernon whispered, defeated.

"No need; here," said Harry, reaching into his pocket. There was the entire house from #4 Privet Drive, super-miniaturized and only four inches high. A tiny Aunt Petunia and a slightly larger Dudley were looking out of the living room picture window, a terrified look in their eyes, waving their arms.

"But surely, our passports?" said Uncle Vernon, with a desperate look.

"We took the liberty," said Remus, handing him three passports and one airline ticket. "They'll have the run of the house, so you'll only need the one ticket. The flight leaves this afternoon; you will have employment, a stipend, and a safe place for your home. Well above the flobberworm swamps and lettuce gardens, I'm led to believe." Hermione nodded. "A wizard from the New Zealand ministry of magic will meet your flight in Dunedin, and arrange your ground transport south; there will be another wizard on-site to enlarge the house and free your family. Put the house in your pocket; there's a limo downstairs ready to take you to Heathrow."

"Any opportunities there for a little harmless - er - wagering?" Vernon half-grinned.

"There _WAS_ a bookie in Dunedin," said Hermione, reading from yet another scrap of paper. "We've moved him to Wellington, and obliviated him. Repeatedly. This means he scarcely remembers how to play Old Maid."

Vernon paled again, nodding.

"Oh, and Vernon?" Lupin said, "your flight stops in Los Angeles and Wellington; then you change planes in Auckland before flying to Dunedin. Don't try to run off." A wolfish gleam appeared in his eye. "We'll know."

"We're everywhere," Ron added, trying not to appear too smug.

"Best not to miss your flight; Bye, Dudley!" Harry smiled, wiggling his fingers and leaning his chair back. Vernon nodded again, slipping the tiny house in his jacket pocket. Accompanied by Moody, he left the boardroom, and the building, without ever looking up; he got in the limousine and was whisked away.

Harry mused aloud, "I wish I could see their faces when they learn that their duties include harvesting the flobberworm mucus!"

- _Fin_ -


	3. The Merlinator

_**The Merlinator**_

Moody was about to enter the kitchen at Grimmauld place, but he heard loud laughter and stepped back. Looking through the kitchen door with his magical eye, he saw Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Luna Lovegood all holding on to a small box. In an instant, they had all disappeared. He assumed they must have used a portkey — but that made no sense; the wards at Order of the Phoenix Headquarters were supposed to prevent both apparation and portkeying.

But then Moody was astonished to hear the same loud laughter again! All three of the young adults were laughing. But if they'd portkeyed away, how was it possible that he could still hear them?

"Potter, are you there?" asked Moody with a slight growl, stepping through the swinging kitchen door.

He could hear Harry mutter "Damn," and then suddenly the three re-appeared.

"Erm … hello, Mad-Eye," said Harry.

"Potter, I can see through things, I can see invisible things, and I can see the magical trail from any use of magic. But I couldn't see you or what you did. Care to explain?"

"Well — it's this little device. We've tentatively called it the 'Merlinator,' but we weren't going to show it to the Order for another week or two, until we were sure we'd ironed out all the bugs."

"Look, you three," Moody smiled scarily. "You know that we keep no secrets from each other. There's a meeting in fifteen minutes; why don't you give a 'preliminary report?'"

And so once all the Order members had filed in and taken seats, Albus said, "Alastor has told me that three of our youngest members have a new device that they'd like to make a progress report about." He waved his hand with a smile, and the three rose hesitantly.

"Well, I guess it was my idea," said Harry. "I wanted to see if a device could be created that had the ability to project the same anti-gravity and thrust energy that we wizards and witches use when we fly broomsticks. I figured that a faster form of magical mass transit was desirable; after all, Muggles have jet planes, while those wizards who can't apparate and don't care to floo, are still stuck using steam engine trains at one-tenth the speed. So I asked: has anyone proposed that a device be created that would channel that broomstick energy to a larger vehicle, which (if kept invisible) could conveniently fly between cities?"

"And I answered: 'Not yet!'" smiled Hermione.

"And I answered, '_Now_ they have!'" said Luna, with a grin.

"So Luna applied String Theory, Einstein and Paracelsus, and I applied Quantum Physics, Newton and Flamel, and Harry kept supplying ideas — and together we invented the Merlinator!" said Hermione. "It's the first device that completely cross-combines the principles of magic and physics."

"I thought that was impossible," whispered McGonagall.

"Apparently not," replied Dumbledore. "Would you all care to demonstrate?"

Harry smiled and said, "No incantations, just English stated simply; no 'wand-waving,'" he winked at Snape, "and no limitations."

He lifted the device, pointed it at Luna, and said, "Invisible Luna." Instantly, Luna completely disappeared.

"Miss Lovegood?" asked Albus.

"Still right here, Professor," replied Luna invisibly.

"Alastor?" said Albus, raising an eyebrow.

"I can't see a thing," replied Moody. "Just like I told you."

"Visible Luna," said Harry, and Luna returned to sudden visibility. Then he turned to Hermione and said, "Gravity two percent Hermione." Hermione proceeded to raise her legs and seemed to float in place, though she appeared to be very slowly sinking through the air. Harry raised the device and said, "Gravity _minus_ five percent Hermione." Hermione began to slowly rise through the air like a helium balloon, her bushy hair standing out in all directions, and soon was hovering near the ceiling.

"That's enough, Harry," she said, a bit nervously.

"Gravity _plus_ five percent Hermione," he smiled, and she slowly and elegantly returned to the floor. First he normalized her gravity, and then said, "That's not all it does, Albus."

"Really? What else can it do?"

"Everything."

"Eh?"

Hermione interjected, "We've tried to get the device to duplicate all the spells we can normally do with magic. It does them _all_."

"And more," said Luna. "It will magically do all the things we usually _can't_ do with magic. Harry?"

Harry turned to an empty space on the floor and said, "Create stasis cage." A network of what resembled blue laser light formed. Harry said, "Retrieve Lucius Malfoy." As instantly as all the previous events, the senior Malfoy himself appeared inside the light cage, frozen like a statue.

The whole room erupted in shouts, and many wands were drawn. When Malfoy continued to remain utterly still, they were nervously lowered. Harry again raised the Merlinator and said, "Disarm." Malfoy's walking stick floated out of the stasis cage and clattered to the ground — along with a second wand from his boot, and two daggers from up his sleeves. Harry then said, "Remove all magical devices." A stone and a coin floated out of Malfoy's pockets, presumably portkeys. A tiny white blob popped out of his mouth and fell to the ground too; apparently, Malfoy had an emergency portkey built into a false tooth.

Harry said, "Contain and re-animate." Malfoy blinked. He scowled and reached for his hidden wand, and noticed its absence. He tried to walk forward, but the walls of the stasis cage seemed as solid as a concrete wall, and he bumped his head hard on what appeared to be thin air.

"What isss the meaning of thisss?" sneered Malfoy, whistling comically through his missing tooth.

"What it means," grinned Harry, "is that after five years on the run, you are now quite thoroughly _nicked!_" He raised the device again, and said, "Teleport Lucius Malfoy to Ministry of Magic, Auror holding cell B3." Malfoy disappeared, without so much as a pop. "Close stasis cage." The little laser bars disappeared.

The Order members were sitting, stunned. "How many 'Merlinators' have you created?" asked Albus.

"Only three," answered Harry. "I financed the development; it took six months and about one and a half million galleons." A few Order members gasped. "Not to worry; that was only about one half of one percent of my net worth. We really don't want to put it into mass production. You see, even Muggles can use it." Now the room was _really_ full of angry muttering, and Albus had to raise his hand for silence.

"Please, explain."

"Well, we let Hermione's dad try it out. He could do anything with it that we could."

Hermione said, "Unlike wands and staves, which depend upon the magical core of the witch or wizard who wields it, we designed the Merlinator on the theory that the device uses a combination of the bearer's thoughts and words, gravitons powered by the earth itself, plus the ambient field of magic from the earth's atmosphere — the energy that some call _Prana_. No personal magical power is needed; indeed, it seems to make no difference. I suppose you couldn't use it on the moon or in outer space, but we didn't try. Dad enjoyed the experience, but he said he thought this could be a problem, and handed it back."

"Why?" asked Fred or George.

"Well, he's had no magical education, has he? We've all been taught the rules of keeping magic a secret from unrelated muggles, and of not using it to force our will on others; plus years of practice have made us a little … jaded, I suppose. But a muggle with a magical device, especially one this powerful? It would be like having the Midas touch." Heads nodded.

"So you're not going to make more?" said the other twin, looking crestfallen.

"No," replied Luna, "in fact, we've adjusted them now so that they're keyed just to us; only the three of us can use them. We don't want to disrupt the planet; we only want to capture the remaining Death Eaters, and then maybe have a bit of fun."

"But ever since Harry destroyed V-Voldemort with a Reparo charm," snickered tiny Professor Flitwick, "capturing Death Eaters has been the main thing keeping the Order busy."

"Oh, don't worry," smiled Harry, "we'll figure out some other lovely mischief for us all to do!"

"But Harry," asked Albus, "what about your original idea for a magical aircraft?"

"Well, we haven't yet figured out a way to tease out the anti-grav, thrust and teleport functions from all the other features. Until we can, I'm afraid we'll just have to let them take trains. Otherwise, everyone who got on the plane could just 'make a wish,' and …"

Dumbledore shuddered and nodded.

Ron smirked, "Now I know what you three have been laughing about so much! But you know," he continued, now appearing very sincere, "if you could just use it to build a better broomstick, the whole wizarding world would beat a _path_ to your door!"

"No, we're not giving Merlinators to the Chudley Cannons, Ron!" said Harry.

Ron just snapped his fingers in an arc, a disappointed look on his face.

_- fin -_


	4. Music

Harry Potter knew he should not have come to this dark, secluded, mist-filled moor. But part of him knew that he really had no choice.

Without making a sound, Lord Voldemort suddenly appeared before him, in all his menacing, lethal creepiness.

"So, Potter! We meet again at last! Too many times have you escaped my vengeance. Now prepare to meet your doom!"

Harry didn't respond. He was too weary of this too oft-repeated scene to be terrified. He also could scarcely believe Voldemort's trite, worn, cheesy monologue. But this gave him an idea.

"Trust your instincts," Dumbledore's portrait had told him. 'All right,' Harry thought, 'I think I know what might work.'

Waving his wand, Harry conjured a karaoke machine, and held a microphone.

"We'll sing in the sunshine,  
We'll laugh every day..." 

he crooned.

Voldemort looked stunned. "What are you doing?" he screeched.

"Mandy, you're a fine girl..."

"Nooo!" wailed Voldemort, holding his hands over his ears and dropping his wand, "Not seventies pop!"

"Yummy yummy yummy, I've got love in my tummy..."

"Aaaaaaaah!" cried Voldemort, collapsing on the cold ground.

"So let it rain on my windowpane  
I got my own rainbow

And we're sitting here shining  
Watching Scotty grow..." 

"Stop! Have mercy! Stop!" Voldemort pleaded, his bony fists hitting the ground.

"Someone left the cake out in the rain  
I don't think that I can take it

'cause it took so long to bake it  
And I'll never have that recipe again... Oh, no!" 

Voldemort swooned. His breath came in short, labored pants.

"We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun..."

Voldemort stopped breathing, but began to emit a high, buzzing sound.

"I write the songs that make the young girls cry..."

An acidic, red cloud arose out of Voldemort's ears, as his skull crushed itself, and his body rapidly turned to dust, as his robes ignited and turned to ash.

" And when she passed away  
I cried and cried all day  
Alone again, naturally..." 

The red cloud turned dull brown, as a sound like a desperate sigh arose from it; then it dissipated. Voldemort was no more.

Harry bowed. "Thank you! Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen!" he said, in the slickest, oiliest manner possible.

Only the crickets answered.

Harry, wiping the sweat from his brow, vanished the karaoke machine, and breathed deeply. With a ghost of a grin, he recalled something Dumbledore had said, the very first time he had seen him:

"Ah, music," he said, wiping his eyes. "A magic beyond all we do here!"

-fin-


	5. Other Ways Albus Lost the Elder Wand

Other Ways That Albus Lost the Elder Wand

* * *

Dumbledore disapparated onto a windy, foggy Scottish moor – that also happened to be a small regional airport.

Behind him, a large machine was making a loud, buzzing noise. Turning around in surprise, he saw a twin turboprop passenger plane taxiing rapidly toward him! The spry headmaster pulled out his wand and shouted, "Arresto Momentum!" The plane did indeed skid to a rapid halt, sending the only flight attendant aboard into a short and bruising flight of her own. The plane's stressed metal emitted a loud, hideous groan, and the old man let out a yelp ("Aiyee!") of his own, briefly losing his presence of mind as well as his grip as he flung himself down to the tarmac.

The stiff winds and the propeller suction sent his wand flying – right into the spinning metal blades. In milliseconds, the Elder Wand was shredded into Elder toothpicks.

And that is how, very briefly, an aging Alitalia charter plane became the most powerful wizard in the world.

* * *

Harry Potter was staying at the Burrow with his clever mail-owl, Hedwig, and his newly-adopted stray puppy, a little hyper-active border collie that he had named "Taz." The pup was wearing out the boy with a game of fetch: balls, sticks, stones, anything he could carry was fair game.

Like overeager and under-trained pups anywhere, Taz wouldn't stop till both he and the boy were utterly exhausted. The Twins spelled Harry for a little while, but when Taz wore them out too, he was back to Harry, growling cutely and demanding more action. Harry picked up the stick and angrily threw it as far and hard as he could.

Just then, Albus Dumbledore apparated into the garden to visit the Weasleys. Hearing loud barking and seeing a black streak rushing toward him, the old man sensibly pulled out his wand. Mistaking one stick for another, Taz took a flying leap, and snatched it out of the headmaster's hand!

And that is how, very briefly, a black puppy became the most powerful wizard in the world – until Harry was able to tackle him, tickle his belly, and get him to release the slightly drool-covered and gnawed wand, which he bashfully handed back to the head-scratching headmaster with a "Sorry."

* * *

Dumbledore had agreed at last to help Harry Potter with some private training. While Harry was learning different dueling styles from Moody, Flitwick, Remus and even Tonks, the headmaster himself was willing to give him a few pointers too.

Little did he know that Harry was also receiving some private tutoring, from the Weasley Twins – in the semi-honorable old art of pranking. Thinking to try something novel, Harry decided to use a switching spell in his duel. He waved his wand, and to to the observer it would appear to have done nothing. With a smirk, Albus waved his own wand – which squeaked, and turned into a rubber chicken. Reaching into his robe pocket with a smirk of his own, Harry pulled out the Elder Wand and said, "Looking for this?"

* * *


	6. Don't Say the Name!

_**Don't Say the Name**_

As usual, it was Hermione's offhanded comment that sent Harry into a brainstorm.

They were on the run from Voldemort's forces, staying in a hidden tent by the seashore; Ron had disappeared again. They were discussing the Taboo on Voldemort's name that, if carelessly pronounced, might bring teams of Snatchers swooping in to arrest and imprison them. The worst of thugs and low-level Death Eaters had been relegated to Snatching.

"It's a pity," Hermione mused, "that we can't turn Snatching and the Taboo against them."

Harry looked off into space for a moment, and his visage cleared and brightened. "Who says we can't?"

The duo had found a derelict and abandoned boat on the shoreline below. They used patching charms on the hull, fixed the rudder with Reparo charms, and climbed aboard and got the little vessel afloat. They used the same sailing propulsion charms that ran the little boats that took the First Years across the Hogwarts Lake, to quickly move the boat out of the bay and out to sea. (Harry had never been so glad that Hermione was addicted to reading anything and everything, and learning every spell imaginable.)

Once they were out near the reef, they pointed their wands into the water and called out, "Accio fish!" After a short while, hundreds of little fish came pouring out of the sea and landed in piles on their deck. They used stunning charms on the fish, and then slicing charms to cut them into chum. Then they used banishing charms to send all the fish pieces back into the sea, and scourgify charms to clean off the deck. Soon, swarms of sharks had gathered to take advantage of the free fish feast.

The next part required careful timing. Harry and Hermione amplified their voices with the Sonorus charm, and shouted, "VOLDEMORT!" Then they swiftly aimed their wands out the stern, and propelled the boat 200 yards away toward the shore, where they applied the Quietus and Notice-Me-Not charms.

About 90 seconds later, two teams of six Snatchers each, their wands held at the ready and their faces tense with sneers and evil grins, apparated into the space where the boat had previously been – and dropped right into the sea, with much flailing and yelling! Only a few of the men could swim; and even they had attracted the attention of the hungry sharks. Soon all the screams had died out. A few little sticks and clothing shreds floated to the surface.

Harry held Hermione as she shuddered. "Regrets?" he asked her.

"Only for today," she answered. "Tomorrow I'll remember that they were out to imprison, torture and kill us, and consider it just deserts. And maybe – we'll come back out, and look for a school of barracuda!"


	7. Halloween, 1981

Cassandra Lovegood was an oddball – perhaps even more than her husband, Xenophilius. She had been gifted with a penchant for prophecy. But where most seers and oracles used riddles and opaque metaphors to deliver their visions, Cassandra was much more straightforward. She called a spade a spade. Most wizarding folk didn't like this; they preferred their prophecy in flowery rococo style, with a half dozen possible interpretations that usually canceled each other out.

Lily Potter was also an oddball. Despite being a muggleborn, she was the envy of other witches: brilliant, beautiful, kind and very talented. But she had the bad habit of challenging authority and sticking up for the underdog – things that those well-bred pure-blood princesses would never be caught dead doing. So while she made deep friends, she also made equally deep enemies.

Lily had known Cassandra throughout most of their Hogwarts years, and they'd been friends despite being in different houses. Both were very talented at charms. Lily didn't have a lot of patience for prophecy, and Cassandra didn't have much of a head for disciplined or scientific pursuits; but they were both compassionate and friendly, and saw a good soul in one another. They kept their personal passions (aside from Charms) mostly to themselves, unless there was something dangerously urgent: Lily would warn Cassandra if her potion was going to explode if she carelessly added the wrong ingredient; and Cassandra would warn Lily of school bullies and wannabe-Death Eaters whom she foresaw lying in wait in deserted corridors, planning to "teach that jumped-up mudblood a lesson."

James Potter and Xenophilius Lovegood were crazy about their girlfriends, but didn't much care for each other. James thought Xeno was nutty; Xeno thought James was a spoiled bully. As both couples became more deeply in love, Cassandra and Lily saw less and less of each other, especially after leaving Hogwarts. Once the war started in earnest, they lost touch altogether.

It was when Lily's baby Harry was almost a year old, that she heard again from her old friend. While Owls couldn't have found her through the Fidelius charm on her cottage, Cassandra had the foresight to use a Fwooper, which had no such problem, to carry the message. It read:

"_Dearest Lily,_

_I'm so sorry we've been out of touch for so long. My little Luna is now six weeks old, and I find that my emotions and my gifts are heightened. I am sad to say that I can clearly foresee that I won't be around to see my sweet daughter grow up. I am also alarmed to say that the same thing could happen to you if you don't make drastic changes very soon._

_I foresaw You-Know-Who appearing at your door on All Hallows' Eve; breaking in and killing James; then finding you upstairs protecting your son, and killing you too to get to him. Something about the baby stopped him, though, and sent his shade away for ten years. But I saw little Harry grow up as a scrawny orphan, besieged, belittled and bullied. I know you would want to prevent these things, except for You-Know-Who being defeated!_

_At times I can "program" my gifts, and see how things would develop if one thing were changed. I imagined two changes: you three staying alive, while You-Know-Who still is destroyed. In my subsequent vision, you all are out of the house, and something muggle that you know about, but You-Know-Who doesn't, defeats him._

_I couldn't see what it was exactly, but I know it should work somehow, if you put your great brain to work at it. I'd hate to see my old friend to die, even for a good cause, if there were a way to prevent it, and still sustain the good cause._

_Hope this helps! Remember, even if you don't believe it, you have nothing to lose by taking precautions. Please recall the incident with Severus in 7th Year, and consider that my visions are, in fact, usually reliable."_

_Love and Blessings,_

_Cassandra"_

Lily put the letter on the kitchen table, her face pale and eyebrows raised. Cassandra had known exactly what button to push; that prediction had come true just like Cassandra had said, and heeding it would have saved a lot of heartache.

Lily took about ten days to research, plan, and write out a scenario that could fit the facts. She then went to visit her parents, who put her in touch with her dad's cousin, a retired army officer who had served in Suez 25 years earlier. She brainstormed with him, and visited with him five more times to work out details. Then she worked out a series of charms that would dovetail his expertise with her own.

When October 31 came around, Lily called James into the kitchen. "I want you to go pick up Sirius, take him to his Uncle Alphard's house, and all of you get piss drunk."

"But Lily dear, you always hate it when we do that!"

"Tonight you have a "Get out of jail free" card. I want you away because I have some "special research" planned. You'll want to be away too."

James' face turned white; she was right. He never liked to be around when Lily was doing her "special research." He had been changed into many odd things, some of them not even alive, when she was experimenting. He wiped his forehead, grinned, and said, "Anything you say, Dear!"

Once James was safely out of the house, Lily went up to the master bedroom, and transfigured two pillows to look like a sleeping Lily and James; simple charms made their chests rise and fall, and produce soft snoring sounds. Then she returned to the kitchen, to the deep-freeze-charmed storage box, and pulled out a 24-pound frozen turkey. She used a defrosting charm, and proceeded to stuff the bird with her cousin's "special stuffing," mostly consisting of Semtex – a plastic explosive similar to C4 and PE4.

She then took the bird upstairs to the nursery, where little 15-month-old Harry was sleeping peacefully in his crib. Lily then placed the turkey in the crib next to Harry, and cast her own variant of the Geminio charm to make the turkey into a duplicate of little Harry – including the sound of breathing. Then she stuck a blasting cap onto the turkey's cold forehead, and another under its pajamas over its cold heart. She trimmed a few strands of the baby's hair, and stuck them over the forehead enough to conceal the blasting cap. Then she covered the turkey with a blanket, picked up little Harry in another blanket, then doused all the lights except for an ever-lit candle in a sconce in the upstairs hallway. She kissed little Harry, and, after closing up the house, apparated with him to her parents' house, where she settled in for the night and waited.

At midnight, Voldemort himself arrived at the cottage, accompanied by Peter Pettigrew. Seeing the house was quiet, he sent the rat animagus in first, using his stealthy form, to check out the house. Once Peter reported back that everyone was asleep, Voldemort let himself in quietly, silenced his footsteps, and climbed the stairs. Looking in at the master bedroom, he silently hissed, "Avada Kedavra!" The pillow people stopped moving and snoring. "All too easy," Voldemort smirked.

He then made his way to the nursery, and approached the crib. He pointed his yew wand at the baby, and with an evil sneer, whispered, "Goodbye, Harry Potter!" and then


	8. Harry and Mrs Horntail

Harry and Mrs. Horntail

Harry left the tent with a stride of purposeful determination. He had decided to set aside Hermione's "Accio Firebolt" strategy as a "plan B"; first he'd try to use his unique talent.

As he came into view of the mother Hungarian Horntail, she roared angrily at him. Harry placed his wand to his throat, murmured "Sonorus," and thought of a snake, hoping to speak Parseltongue. "Excuse me, great lady," he hissed politely.

The dragon's eyes widened. "How do you come to speak the dragon's tongue – and with such a strange accent?" she replied, with a more growling hiss.

"I am told that I am a Parselmouth, so I have the gift of serpent speech; I was hoping that the languages might be close enough." The crowd looked confused and restless; they were hoping for something more exciting, and couldn't understand the surprisingly courteous conversation.

The dragon grinned. "Well, this is fun! I never got to have a chat with my lunch before!"

"Please, great lady," Harry begged, "can't we all just – get along? I mean you no harm, and I would make for a very measly lunch. But if you spare me, perhaps even help me, I'll try to get you something large and tasty for your lunch."

"Oh, really?" sniffed the dragon. "How large, and what kind of help?"

"About three times the size of that half-giant over there," he waved toward Hagrid, "and permitting me to retrieve something you do not need."

"What do you know of my needs?"

"The keepers have placed a golden egg among your clutch. It can never hatch, and is not one of your babies; but I must retrieve it to complete my task."

"Oh!" said the dragon with surprise. "That explains a lot. Each time I warmed my eggs with fire, and sat on them again, one little spot seemed to burn my bum! But as the night progressed, that same spot seemed to get uncomfortably cold."

"So, you don't mind if I retrieve it?"

"No, go ahead," she said, stepping aside.

As Harry approached her, he noticed a bit of swelling in her huge jaw. "Excuse me, dear lady, do you have something wrong with your mouth?"

"Why, yes! Ever since dinner last night, I feel like something is stuck in my teeth. Could you have a look?" She lowered her great head close to Harry, and opened her cavernous mouth, as the crowd gasped.

Harry stepped closer, and some in the crowd screamed. There, stuck between two enormous, razor-sharp teeth, was the head of an ox! Harry stepped forward, drew his wand, and using it as a large toothpick, tried to pry it free. After twenty seconds, it loosened; then five more seconds later, it popped free, just missing Harry and landing in the dirt.

"Oh," murmured the dragon, feeling her teeth with her huge tongue, "oh, that's MUCH better! Why, thank you very much, young man! Now, come take away that silly golden egg."

Harry bowed and approached. When he scooped up the egg, a roar of relief and applause swept through the crowd. He lifted the egg high and grinned.

The dragon said, "How do you call yourself, young man?"

"I'm Harry, ma'am; and what is your name, please?"

"I'm ZsaZsa."

"ZsaZsa? Really?" Harry grinned.

"Well," she smiled, I AM Hungarian. Now – how about my lunch?"

"Oh, right!" said Harry. He turned toward the Forbidden Forest, held out his wand and said, "Accio Aragog!"


End file.
